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Disrespectable Me

(Document history) - this is the second version of my famous disrespectable biography. I took the original down because at the time i had a part time internet job and I thought maybe I should fix up my resume more, or at least not be so off-putting. Also, some of the stuff I wrote reflected a more emotionally immature and so to say purile version of myself (I may still at some point recycle that persona if I ever get back into fiction writing though). So, here is my new and updated Disrespectable biography.

me wearing shades

Hey I knew you'd come here first  ;-)

Okay - first off - has it ever occured to you how many people on the Net are so frigging talented?  Like, if you read some of the curriculum vitae, it's like they have a PhD in one subject and a Masters in another, know half a dozen different programming languages intimately, speak three languages fluently, have a license to drive four types of heavy vehicles, a pilot's license for two classes of aircraft, are really good at sport, work as a high level freelance consultant in ten different things each one much harder than you or I could do, have a well-adjusted family with whom they get on superbly, and are in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful lover.  Not only that but it's obvious from their photo they're extremely handsome (if a male) or beautiful (if a female), and you can see they have a wonderful confident charismatic personality to boot...

Anyway I thought I'd write my own curriculum vitae.  I would like to point out here that everything you read on this page is true.  I'm not exagerating or making things up. Just so you know ;-)

Okay here we go...

Volunteer Work Employment History
this is no bullshit: I was given the sack from volunteer work!  (I won't go into details, the less said about this sorry affair the better...)

Tertiary Qualifications: B.A. major in philosophy
well I suppose I had to have something to show for 6 years of university life (almost everyone else got their degree in 3 years)

Programming Languages: none
I made a futile attempt to learn C many many years back.  More recently I learned the basics of HTML, but only 'cos it's so easy even a child can do it. I still can't master (nor am I atm motiovated to learn) javascript, flash, or anything else fancy like that.

Languages spoken: English
For a while I started teaching myself Russian and got to the stage where I knew one or two words and could recognise most of the alphabet.  I didn't keep it up and have forgotten most of it now. I keep meaning to stick up some foreign words on the inside of the dunny door so I can memorise them, but I never do. At the very least, I should make an effort to learn some foreign alphabets.

Overseas Travel:
I did spend 3 months travelling around India when I was much younger but because of my stutter plus my Australian accent no one there could understand me. Once I as in Bangalore (beautiful city btw) and I wanted to go to the Post Office so I hailed a taxi and I said (well, stuttered, whatever) "Post Office" and he said "what?" and I said "I want to go to the Post Office" and he said "where do you want to go?" and I said "to the porhhhst ahhhficceee!!!!" and this went on for quite a while, and finally he drove me miles and miles to some suburb I'd never been to (the name of which I suppose sounded something like "Porhhhstahhfiss") on the other side of Bangalore and dropped me off at the post office there (rather than at the local post office)

If you are as "unco" as me you'll be pretty incompetent at sport

Selected Potential Bibliography
There are lots of bibliographies, but who has ever had a potential bibliography? That is, a list of books they didn't finish? True, I may still finish one or more, or even many, in which case I'll have to go back and revise this section. Until then, here is potential bibliography:

Love Life
Non-existent (too geeky? too intellectual? insufficient social skills? too eccentric?).

My idea of hell:
Wikipedia link Speed dating in the external link Big Brother household. (figure it out for yourself ;-)

There now!   No need to feel bad about your life!  There's always someone as badly off as (if not worse than) you are!  ;-)

Cheers  :-)

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content by M.Alan Kazlev, 1998-2004
uploaded as separate page 8 November 1999, last modified 8 December 2005, reposted 26 August 2007